I am!
I'm pretty sure my body works in yearly cycles (at least).
Around a year a part my body and mind always think, "you should start your own business, it's a good idea, you'll be successful. Now, if only you had something you were good at that you could make money at..." and that's where that internal discussion usually ends. I think I enjoy too many different things to ever sit and focus on just one of them to make a concerted effort at it for any sort of profit gaining.
Lately, I've found enjoyment in photography. I don't know much about it nor am I very good at it yet but I'm trying the approach of submersing myself into anything and everything I can find about it and see what sticks. Trying to teach myself the basics of photo editing within Photoshop is proving to be an uphill challenge. To my credit, I can successfully manipulate color curves, convert to a good looking B&W, clear up any noise as well as sharpen and over sharpen images until they seem fake. I find it peacefully frustrating. Unfortunately, the more I learn and the quicker I adapt some skills behind taking pictures, the more I wish I had purchased a better camera from the get go. Don't get me wrong, the D3000 is really awesome but had I stepped up for the D90, we'd have use out of the older lenses I've acquired. No matter, the 35mm is doing wonders and it's giving me better pictures than I've ever taken in my Point-and-shoot days.
Now, could I start a business doing photography? No. Well, I could, but I don't know if I would want to. Not because of skill deficiencies but, again, I'm not sure if that's what I'd want to do all the time - all day, everyday. I think it's a hobby that I'll enjoy letting evolve picture by picture. Unfortunately for the rest of you, that means I'll be toting the camera around with me more often - trying to see what I can capture.
Plus, I've learned that, as much as I dislike getting up early and going to work, going into work has its peace to it. Working from home, sometimes, provides undue stress for the other things on my to do list that definitely do not involve work. I bet when I have kids, I'll really enjoy going to work. I'll always want to be around them but will also need those few hours of something different to keep things from becoming too static. I say this now. Watch - I'll have kids and it'll be a whole new tune, but that's not something I have to worry about for some time.
Speaking of worrying - do you know what I'm tired of? Cancer.
Fucking hate cancer. It's driving me nuts. Not me, personally, but those around me.
First, Kim's mom. Then, my grandpa. Come a couple weeks ago, I find out it's now affecting my dad. What gives? With Kim's mom it seems as though the chemo is doing what it was intended to do. She's doing seemingly better and should beat this thing, at least that's what my money is on. My grandpa, well, he's had some of the best surgeons in the country work on him. For a man who is 75, smokes nonstop, drinks PBR from 9am until 9pm at night, I'd say he's doing fairly well. He's accepted what he has left in life and is going to enjoy it the best way he knows how. In a way, I admire that.
But with any of those people, I would hate to see any of them go. Though I rarely see my grandpa, seeing him die to cancer would be a devesator. Yikes. I feel like we have an unspoken connection. We always get along and we always enjoy spending time together. North Dakota to Illinois isn't what I'd call next door neighbors, but still. The idea of losing anyone is heartbreaking. Which brings me to my dad.
Those of you who know me understand that I haven't always been so close to my dad. Luckily, in the past few years things have turned for the better. He and my mom still have their differences but that's a place I do my best to stay out of most of the time. I don't need to be placed in the middle of any of that noise. That's what I spent most of my teenage years doing. But no matter how close or far apart you are from a parent, finding out they have cancer is shocking. I remember finding out when two of my close friends' dads had cancer. I couldn't imagine what it must have felt like. For one, he sadly lost his father to cancer and the other - he seems to be recovering fine, which is great news. I hope for the latter with my dad. I can't even wrap my brain around how scary it has to be. When a doctor tells you that it's aggressive and they aren't sure if it's moved anywhere else and that surgery is the best options. Aaaah. But what choice do you have? You have to be hedonistic. You have to take the short term pain for the long term pleasure.
It's f*d to think about. When I was in HS or college, I would hear of people's grandparents or parents getting cancer and it didn't mean anything to me because I have never experienced it. It wasn't something to joke about but it wasn't something I could fathom either. Then in the course of 2 years, I lose one brother to accidental death and 3 family members become diagnosed with cancer. Top top off this barrage of delightful news, I come to learn that my uncle probably doesn't have long to live. Again, same situation as my grandpa. I didn't see him much growing up but you never want to see a family member, no matter how close, pass away at a younger age.
There's always the adage that someone is "going to a better place," and I'd prefer to be selfish. I want everyone I care about to live forever, ya know?
When it all comes down to it, the only thing to do is to remain optimistic. Worrying is like a rocking chair - it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.
I think a lot of the negative news encourages me to try to get out and do more or do activities that I enjoy or consider relaxing, whether that's playing too many hours of video games, taking an unplanned trip, trying something new or just trying to hang out with friends. When people around you face life-threatening situations it always puts a focus on the things you so easily take for granted.
What am I getting at? Anything? Not really. I'm just rambling because I can. It's one of the glories of a blog only 10 people know about. 10 of you might end up reading through this and think, "damn, this thing isn't ending..." Sometimes it's a great place to post the things that crack me up (like friends in elf costumes) and other times it's a good place to just write it all out in a discombobulated form to tucker me out before bed.
Talking about more serious things isn't something I really enjoy doing. I prefer to have a good time and not bring people into the things that are considered sad. The world is filled with sadness day in and day out. I prefer to focus on the fun of it. It's one of the many reasons I prefer to avoid movies that are too serious or depressing. I see enough of it in the news or in day to day life. Why spend 2+ hours having to think more about it. Movies are meant to be an escape. It's why musicals became so popular during the great depression. It was a way for people to escape the unfortunate realities for only a short period of time. There's no need for me to do that with a movie about war, death or sadness. I'd much rather have 2 hours of The Rock dressed as the tooth fairy or something where the good guys win.
It's why I always invite anyone and everyone out when we have a party or go out for the night. Hell, some of those people should be left off the invite list because they're so often shady and unreliable, but against my better judgment I always do. It's true what people my parent's age tell me - my generation is, more often than not, incredibly selfish. We're a very "me, me, me" generation. We wait for the best thing to come along, we do whatever pleases us the most, we opt for the lazy option and we expect most things to be given to us - not because we deserve it but because we think we deserve so. It's not all our fault, it's partly how we were raised - where everyone gets a ribbon and everyone passes. It translates to everything else, which is unfortunate. So, people don't return calls or emails or show up to things because "it's ok, they won't care, I'll get invited next time." I do it too. Sometimes I know I should buck up and drive the extra however many miles to see whomever but I opt out and sit on my ass. Sort of like working out. I know I should but I don't. I make the excuse and think of anything else to do. Like write this blog.
Someone who does a good example of part of what I rambled on is Scotty T. That guy lives further away from all of us, yet never complains about coming out to hang out. He often offers his place up to spend time or cause trouble but we don't take the effort to go out there as he does for us because we make up some excuse. The only validity to any of the excuses is sometime I want to sleep in my own bed, despite Scott's hospitableness, but that gets tough when you go out and drink. Plus, some of us get sleep before others and things get tougher. So, even there, I'm making excuses. Catch 22 it seems.
Anyway, I'm just a rambling man. A lot to say and never enough quality explanation to get through it all in a concise way.
Overall - life for Kim and I is as good as it can be. We're both healthy and happy (at least I am...kidding, I think Kim is too!) We can't control a lot of the situations around us but we make do and take each situation as it comes to us. I'm confident Kim will be back up and employed sooner than we both think and it'll eventually become a forgotten bump in the road. As for my family - I can only hope they continue to fight and become or stay healthy again.
Cancer is a real bitch. Up until my dad, I didn't have any blood-lined relations to cancer in my family and I was feeling pretty safe. I know I was or am still at risk but the odds seemed more in my favor before. Now, I'm suspect to it when I get further down the age road. Yay? I don't think so. Like I said before, all I can really do and all will do is keep the optimism alive.
Don't expect me to talk about much of this. Even sharing the basic details with Kim's parents was hard on me. I'm an incredibly open person on most topics, but when it gets to the personal stuff is when I shut it down. I'm sure there's some deep-seeded emotional reason for why but I'm not about to think about that right now! :) All I know is, I'm happy to give an update if anyone's interested but it's not something I plan to go on and on and on about in a 1-on-1 conversation. Blog is sort of different. It's like an open diary. You can choose to read it or you can choose not to. There are no secrets in here so take what you read as you want it. If there's something you wish you could do - well - keep my family in your thoughts - and prayers too, if you pray or even if you don't.
People ask if they can do something or send flowers, in the case of my dad having surgery in a couple of weeks, and I'll say "appreciated but no thanks." Instead of getting all flowery - I say, take that money and put it towards a better cause. Donate that money towards Kim's walk, the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer: http://info.avonfoundation.org/site/TR/Walk/Chicago?px=5245338&pg=personal&fr_id=1930
It's a good cause and the money goes to fight the thing I'm learning to hate more and more each day. Plus, the more money Kim receives the happier she gets and that is always the most important thing. That and hearing her funny walking stories about her butt hurting after walking 3 miles! :)
Alright, 45 minutes later and a novella later...I think it's time to call it a night and get some sleep. I am impressed though - so many topics and no agenda to cover any of them. Just me rambling my face off until I was drowsy. Goal complete.
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