I said I'd post this, but avoided doing it at work because they're now tracking how long we're on youtube. Yeah, it sucks. Fewer awesome videos for the 6 people who read this.
Here are 2 videos from the Whitest Kids U' Know.
The first is "Slow Jerk"
And finally - Classroom Skit. "Who wants to guess what his mom's last facial expressions were during her last moments alive?"
Wonderful stuff.
Enjoy!
4.30.2008
My own personal cliche
Most of you know, I have a tendency to be a bit of a food/wine snob. Foodie, wine-o, whatever. A gregarious gourmet of the vino and a dissector of the delectable. I found myself reading a funny-enough article on "The Price of Good Taste." It's basically an article asking - at what threshold does a foodie give up their preferences? Since the prices of food continue to escalate, along with gas prices...and well - the prices of everything else, where do I draw the line? Do I say goodbye to all-natural chicken just to save a few dollars and have chemically-pumped and hormone-injected chicken? No. F no. How about switching to $0.99 Iodized salt instead of Sea Salt or Kosher Salt that runs $3-5? Again, no. But what it does alter is where I may buy it or how much of whatever product I want that I buy. Will I move to processed American Cheese? I hope not. Prices may rise, and it may become more expensive for a good olive oil, but do you sacrifice taste for the bulge in your wallet?
Some of the analogies are spot on. If I can make something or have
consumed something that's delicious, I'll let people know about it. It's just how I am. Irritating to some but informative to others. If I have a good wine - I'll let my wine-drinking friends know about it. For example - the other night Kim and I had a fun bottle of wine that was good, but more fun to open than it might have been to drink. Plungerhead. The bottle has an interesting cork system and the wine (once you let it open up for at least 30 minutes) was delicious. You unwrap the cork. It's this red plastic, almost wax-like cork. Once peeled back, the cord is somehow pressured into the bottle. It's pretty unique, and like the wine is called, a very plunger-esque approach. Old vine Zins, or any Zin for that matter, are always a safe and delicious choice.
Though - when it comes to beer, there was a time (a year ago or so) where I only wanted to consume the Belgian monk-made brews. Um, no. My wallet can only take so much of a beating from alcohol. The folks at Binny's already know us by name. We're never there for less than 30 minutes discussing life, wine and what I should buy next. So with beer, we're rarely drinking it (friends and co) for the mere enjoyment of the hops, barely and rye's. Usually, it's for it to taste bearable enough to choke it down, have another and forget our names. Or - for some friends - get nekked and play on the playground...
Chimay was replaced by PBR. The Happy Monk replaced by Miller
lite. And Brother Thelonious took a back seat to Blue Moon. Does it make me sad? No. Do I still drink beer? Yes. The good ones? Only occasionally. Oh well, it's only helped me dive deeper into my asshole-ness of being a wine-o. Kim and I are constantly given double takes at wine tastings. We get looks wondering if we're in the right place or how we know things about wine since we're only in our 20's. Most people our age say, "OMG, I love Merlot (how? at our price points, it's pretty shit)" or "Chardonnay is the best wine ever." To each their own. It's cool people are in to it. My point is - when we roll in to a wine tasting - I'm asking for the off-the-beaten-path wines, Zins galore, Malbec, granache, Oregon Pinot's and so on. I'm not much on whites (haha) but a good, sweet dessert wine can always be a favorite. Something with layers. Anyway, I digress.
So, I'm reading this article and agreeing with what this guy is saying only to realize I constantly cliche myself so bad that I sound like a fat guy preaching the ways of low-carb dieting. I'm not in a financial position to foodie myself on every meal or to drink good wines whenever I choose.
Take tonight for example. Tonight is "Let's go to the Cubs game...in my living room" night. It's warmer than Wrigley. To make it more realistic, I might open the screen door to chill the whole place down. It's cheaper. Better seats and the ability to change channels if it becomes dull (or Top Chef comes on). To make it all complete, we'll be having hot dogs, peanuts, bad beer and whatever else you'd see at a Cubs game. Maybe even some make-shift super ropes (red vines anyone?). So on one end I talk about how great a meal of braised lamb with a pinot noir reduction would be and a dessert of passion fruit creme brulee or homemade chocolate mousse...then tout how well I could make it or a restaurant where I know it's made well...to turn around and have me some hot dogs. MMM HOT DOGS. Processed, nastiness of the piggy's left over parts...all rolled into their intestinal tract, made into a hot dog shape, boiled, dolled up and tossed in a sesame seed bun. YES. It's a good contradiction between what I can preach and what I eat sometimes.
But - don't think that I'm abusing my body with your generic, run-of-the-mill, pig-parts-from-a-dirty-bucket hot dog (ie Oscar Meyer). No thanks. All Beef, baby. Kosher style. Vienna. Someone who knows how to make a hot dog look meat colored. Not that opaque, old lady, wrinkly skin color from the bottom of her feet look. They're slimier than a Hannah Montana pedophile and more disgusting to taste that spoiled Budding's Bologna (only 99 cents). I'm going to at least treat that dog to a sesame seed bun, not a completely enriched, bleached white flour death bun. And the fixins will be fresh (onion, tomato, ketchup, and so on - you know the drill).
So - where I may deviate from quality, I still don't get all ALDI on myself. Are they good for me? No. But then again - neither is a 5-meat lasagna, Colorado Lamb, or a 16 oz NY Strip Steak. Every now and again - you need Velveeta Shells and Cheese, hot dogs, cupcakes, Nutty Bars, and Buffalo Wings.
Point is - it's amusing to me. Fancy one minute and all cliche the next. On any note - I'm pumped for Hot Dog night and the cubs game, followed with Top Chef. Wednesday couldn't get much better than that. Damn...now I want some wings.
I'll work to get some fun videos up today or tomorrow.
Some of the analogies are spot on. If I can make something or have
consumed something that's delicious, I'll let people know about it. It's just how I am. Irritating to some but informative to others. If I have a good wine - I'll let my wine-drinking friends know about it. For example - the other night Kim and I had a fun bottle of wine that was good, but more fun to open than it might have been to drink. Plungerhead. The bottle has an interesting cork system and the wine (once you let it open up for at least 30 minutes) was delicious. You unwrap the cork. It's this red plastic, almost wax-like cork. Once peeled back, the cord is somehow pressured into the bottle. It's pretty unique, and like the wine is called, a very plunger-esque approach. Old vine Zins, or any Zin for that matter, are always a safe and delicious choice.Though - when it comes to beer, there was a time (a year ago or so) where I only wanted to consume the Belgian monk-made brews. Um, no. My wallet can only take so much of a beating from alcohol. The folks at Binny's already know us by name. We're never there for less than 30 minutes discussing life, wine and what I should buy next. So with beer, we're rarely drinking it (friends and co) for the mere enjoyment of the hops, barely and rye's. Usually, it's for it to taste bearable enough to choke it down, have another and forget our names. Or - for some friends - get nekked and play on the playground...
Chimay was replaced by PBR. The Happy Monk replaced by Miller
lite. And Brother Thelonious took a back seat to Blue Moon. Does it make me sad? No. Do I still drink beer? Yes. The good ones? Only occasionally. Oh well, it's only helped me dive deeper into my asshole-ness of being a wine-o. Kim and I are constantly given double takes at wine tastings. We get looks wondering if we're in the right place or how we know things about wine since we're only in our 20's. Most people our age say, "OMG, I love Merlot (how? at our price points, it's pretty shit)" or "Chardonnay is the best wine ever." To each their own. It's cool people are in to it. My point is - when we roll in to a wine tasting - I'm asking for the off-the-beaten-path wines, Zins galore, Malbec, granache, Oregon Pinot's and so on. I'm not much on whites (haha) but a good, sweet dessert wine can always be a favorite. Something with layers. Anyway, I digress.So, I'm reading this article and agreeing with what this guy is saying only to realize I constantly cliche myself so bad that I sound like a fat guy preaching the ways of low-carb dieting. I'm not in a financial position to foodie myself on every meal or to drink good wines whenever I choose.
Take tonight for example. Tonight is "Let's go to the Cubs game...in my living room" night. It's warmer than Wrigley. To make it more realistic, I might open the screen door to chill the whole place down. It's cheaper. Better seats and the ability to change channels if it becomes dull (or Top Chef comes on). To make it all complete, we'll be having hot dogs, peanuts, bad beer and whatever else you'd see at a Cubs game. Maybe even some make-shift super ropes (red vines anyone?). So on one end I talk about how great a meal of braised lamb with a pinot noir reduction would be and a dessert of passion fruit creme brulee or homemade chocolate mousse...then tout how well I could make it or a restaurant where I know it's made well...to turn around and have me some hot dogs. MMM HOT DOGS. Processed, nastiness of the piggy's left over parts...all rolled into their intestinal tract, made into a hot dog shape, boiled, dolled up and tossed in a sesame seed bun. YES. It's a good contradiction between what I can preach and what I eat sometimes.
But - don't think that I'm abusing my body with your generic, run-of-the-mill, pig-parts-from-a-dirty-bucket hot dog (ie Oscar Meyer). No thanks. All Beef, baby. Kosher style. Vienna. Someone who knows how to make a hot dog look meat colored. Not that opaque, old lady, wrinkly skin color from the bottom of her feet look. They're slimier than a Hannah Montana pedophile and more disgusting to taste that spoiled Budding's Bologna (only 99 cents). I'm going to at least treat that dog to a sesame seed bun, not a completely enriched, bleached white flour death bun. And the fixins will be fresh (onion, tomato, ketchup, and so on - you know the drill).So - where I may deviate from quality, I still don't get all ALDI on myself. Are they good for me? No. But then again - neither is a 5-meat lasagna, Colorado Lamb, or a 16 oz NY Strip Steak. Every now and again - you need Velveeta Shells and Cheese, hot dogs, cupcakes, Nutty Bars, and Buffalo Wings.
Point is - it's amusing to me. Fancy one minute and all cliche the next. On any note - I'm pumped for Hot Dog night and the cubs game, followed with Top Chef. Wednesday couldn't get much better than that. Damn...now I want some wings.
I'll work to get some fun videos up today or tomorrow.
4.22.2008
the 10 things I've wodnered about today (or recently)
I've been wondering a few things lately and perhaps any one of you could help me out.
1. has there ever been a blind person's coloring contest?
What did the winning piece look like?
2. do blind people have glamour shots taken? if they do (and I'm stealing this from a comedian i heard) - when they go to give them as gifts...how do they know it's them in the picture?
3. say you have a couple friends who are deaf. then say you're having people over for a rousing game of charades. are the deaf people allowed to play? if it's a game of using your hands and body gestures, are they disqualified? do you make them 'talk it out' instead?
4. do stupid people know they're stupid? if they do - can they call someone else stupid? if someone you know is stupid, just plain dumb, and they call you stupid - do you take it with a grain of salt (like a midgit calling you tall) or do you take offense to it, since someone much more stupid than you...just demoted you below their level? (like, if the local town tramp called you easy)
i know plenty of stupid people, but they all think they're smart, intelligent...driven or have a future in something. they don't.
5. what about hos? say 2 porn stars go at it verbally - can they theoretically call the other a ho? is it true? offensive? just a statement of fact? i'm sure there are plenty of non ho...porn...wait, no there aren't.
6. how do fat people poop accurately? is it a guessing game? a game of hope?
7. if you're fat, and have small arms (or long arms, does it matter? you're fat) how do you wipe your butt? how do you scratch your back?
8. if you are fat - and you're more top heavy - say you want to pick up a baby, a cat or a small puppy - when you lean over are you afraid you'll topple over and kill the baby or the puppy? (no one cares about the cat)
9. this is terrible - how do you know which noises hellen keller makes are the happy ones? "ooh, i think she's happy. no. no she's mad. i think she's enjoying this. or is she? it's too bad she can't see what i'm doing. or hear me...or...any...thing"
10. And finally, is it just me or are Len Kasper and Bob Brenly,
seemingly, the only decent baseball announcers in the MLB? i've tried watching orel and co., i've tried watching sox games, listening Jon Miller &Joe Morgan, and had my IQ dropped even further by listening to the neurotic stupidity of Joe Buck & Tim McCarver. I can't stand Joe Buck. I miss Steve Stone's continual cynicysm and especially, especially the nearly tourette's driven Harry Carry. So, if anyone knows announcers, outside the realm of the all-mighty cubbies, let me know! I don't think the sport of baseball is tough to watch, it's having to listen to the onslaught of morons calling the game. (Dear Joe Buck - I hate you. Go announce little league)
I don't have too many other thoughts today. I'm more focused on the bling person's coloring contest or art contest winner. i want to meet a blind chef. i bet their food tastes good, but how is their presentation? it's really an awful list of questions to wonder. As always - I look forward to any comments or feedback.
Otherwise - enjoy.
1. has there ever been a blind person's coloring contest?
What did the winning piece look like?
2. do blind people have glamour shots taken? if they do (and I'm stealing this from a comedian i heard) - when they go to give them as gifts...how do they know it's them in the picture?
3. say you have a couple friends who are deaf. then say you're having people over for a rousing game of charades. are the deaf people allowed to play? if it's a game of using your hands and body gestures, are they disqualified? do you make them 'talk it out' instead?4. do stupid people know they're stupid? if they do - can they call someone else stupid? if someone you know is stupid, just plain dumb, and they call you stupid - do you take it with a grain of salt (like a midgit calling you tall) or do you take offense to it, since someone much more stupid than you...just demoted you below their level? (like, if the local town tramp called you easy)i know plenty of stupid people, but they all think they're smart, intelligent...driven or have a future in something. they don't.
5. what about hos? say 2 porn stars go at it verbally - can they theoretically call the other a ho? is it true? offensive? just a statement of fact? i'm sure there are plenty of non ho...porn...wait, no there aren't.
6. how do fat people poop accurately? is it a guessing game? a game of hope?7. if you're fat, and have small arms (or long arms, does it matter? you're fat) how do you wipe your butt? how do you scratch your back?
8. if you are fat - and you're more top heavy - say you want to pick up a baby, a cat or a small puppy - when you lean over are you afraid you'll topple over and kill the baby or the puppy? (no one cares about the cat)
9. this is terrible - how do you know which noises hellen keller makes are the happy ones? "ooh, i think she's happy. no. no she's mad. i think she's enjoying this. or is she? it's too bad she can't see what i'm doing. or hear me...or...any...thing"
10. And finally, is it just me or are Len Kasper and Bob Brenly,
seemingly, the only decent baseball announcers in the MLB? i've tried watching orel and co., i've tried watching sox games, listening Jon Miller &Joe Morgan, and had my IQ dropped even further by listening to the neurotic stupidity of Joe Buck & Tim McCarver. I can't stand Joe Buck. I miss Steve Stone's continual cynicysm and especially, especially the nearly tourette's driven Harry Carry. So, if anyone knows announcers, outside the realm of the all-mighty cubbies, let me know! I don't think the sport of baseball is tough to watch, it's having to listen to the onslaught of morons calling the game. (Dear Joe Buck - I hate you. Go announce little league)I don't have too many other thoughts today. I'm more focused on the bling person's coloring contest or art contest winner. i want to meet a blind chef. i bet their food tastes good, but how is their presentation? it's really an awful list of questions to wonder. As always - I look forward to any comments or feedback.
Otherwise - enjoy.
4.14.2008
the answer to any question
is Jesus.
Regretfully, I don't mean this in a religious way. I'm saying - anytime you're asked a question, you can just say Jesus and it'll solve any confusion or be funny. It's as simple as that.
For example: "Hey Mark, where's Scott?"
me: Oh, he's at the buffet with Jesus
"Mark, how come you still haven't put your laundry away?"
me: um, because i was ice skating with Jesus
this game could go on for a long, long time. You can vary it by adding his disciples.
"Who ate all of the cookies?"
--AH! It was Jesus and his disciples again. Or Scott.
I guess that brings me to another name that makes people laugh. Adding Scott to any conversation. Don't get mad Scotty, you know it's true. "Ugh, I'm so full, I shouldn't of ordered a 15 piece bucket of chicken...I bet Scott will eat it."
On the chance that Scott is there he'll more than likely respond with a "you know me" and take it down like a champ. One of my favorite things about Scott, and I have many, and he does have a
tendency to get picked on which is strongly due to the fact that if you do poke fun at him he usually just shrugs his shoulders and says "F you guys." But that's not my favorite part. My favorite part is when someone tries to make a fat joke at him and says the following - "Scott, go eat a twinkie" or some variation of it...and every time...every single time, Scott replies with, "F you guys, I don't even like Twinkies." aaah, YES! I'm not making fun of the man right now, he just has some of the best catch phrases and dance moves out of anyone I've ever met. There's 
the Scotty shuffle and the Icie Shuffle. I love nothing more than a Marengan man and his inability to dance to R. Kelly. HOT! One day, he'll be at a club, because some people made him go, he'll be blitzed off of rum and cokes (Ron Diaz, baby) and be doing his 'white man's overbite' on the dance floor and there will be some gal who'll just drop her jaw out of white man dancing lust...and Scott will have found his one. So, T - hit up those dance clubs when you get to MI. Use some bad pick up line, like "wanna see my order stick? I'll bring order into your court..."
Anyway, I diverge from my point. Jesus is a great way to answer any question. Serious, funny or just because you don't know.
"I lost my keys!"
-Jesus took them
Money, every time. Actually, it's probably not funny to anyone else but me, but that won't stop me from saying it. "I hate children." --so does Jesus.
It works every time.
---------------
In other news
---------------
Jason Mraz was awesome
In May I'll be seeing Flight of the Conchords. 3rd row balcony. AWESOME
also...
Richie moved out. Way to go Richie. He's no longer confined to "when will you be home? Can you get milk on the way home? I folded and put away your underpants. Why was there a box of condoms left on your bed? Oh they're balloon animals with lube to make it tougher to blow them up? Oh, oh, ok, that makes much more sense."
I'll admit, on the drive through the neighborhood I was initially
scurred. I saw some 2-toned 88 civic with a missing wheel. And by 2-toned I don't mean it was a nice paint job, I mean...you know what I mean. But Rich's (and KKs) building was definitely the nicer building. The only intimidating set of wheels were the massive Harley's. I have this intuition that Rich will one day, on accident, knock them over and run. or pee on them in the middle of the night on inadvertently.
The place is nice. KK had it decked out to the fullest when he arrived. His room is and will be stellar. I've fallen in love with his beach-scene-drive comforter and the rest should be baby-making history. I figure, as long as he doesn't try to do it with his roomie home, or during the day time, he and KK should be fine. I guess the same goes for KK...but her room isn't right next to the living room, either. haha...nothing's more uncomfortable than coming out after that and KK going, "so, what were you two up to?" --uh...napping? yeah, napping...at 215pm.
I think they'll get along great! Way to go Richie.
And when anyone has the free time, make sure to ask KK (or me) about her neighbor in the mesh short who pushed his kid off a bike, and what a dirty gas pump is. :)
Ok - no more blog today. It's been too long, but I've got tons of work left to do.
For example: "Hey Mark, where's Scott?"me: Oh, he's at the buffet with Jesus
"Mark, how come you still haven't put your laundry away?"
me: um, because i was ice skating with Jesus
this game could go on for a long, long time. You can vary it by adding his disciples.
"Who ate all of the cookies?"
--AH! It was Jesus and his disciples again. Or Scott.
I guess that brings me to another name that makes people laugh. Adding Scott to any conversation. Don't get mad Scotty, you know it's true. "Ugh, I'm so full, I shouldn't of ordered a 15 piece bucket of chicken...I bet Scott will eat it."
On the chance that Scott is there he'll more than likely respond with a "you know me" and take it down like a champ. One of my favorite things about Scott, and I have many, and he does have a
tendency to get picked on which is strongly due to the fact that if you do poke fun at him he usually just shrugs his shoulders and says "F you guys." But that's not my favorite part. My favorite part is when someone tries to make a fat joke at him and says the following - "Scott, go eat a twinkie" or some variation of it...and every time...every single time, Scott replies with, "F you guys, I don't even like Twinkies." aaah, YES! I'm not making fun of the man right now, he just has some of the best catch phrases and dance moves out of anyone I've ever met. There's the Scotty shuffle and the Icie Shuffle. I love nothing more than a Marengan man and his inability to dance to R. Kelly. HOT! One day, he'll be at a club, because some people made him go, he'll be blitzed off of rum and cokes (Ron Diaz, baby) and be doing his 'white man's overbite' on the dance floor and there will be some gal who'll just drop her jaw out of white man dancing lust...and Scott will have found his one. So, T - hit up those dance clubs when you get to MI. Use some bad pick up line, like "wanna see my order stick? I'll bring order into your court..."Anyway, I diverge from my point. Jesus is a great way to answer any question. Serious, funny or just because you don't know.
"I lost my keys!"
-Jesus took them
Money, every time. Actually, it's probably not funny to anyone else but me, but that won't stop me from saying it. "I hate children." --so does Jesus.
It works every time.
---------------
In other news
---------------
Jason Mraz was awesome
In May I'll be seeing Flight of the Conchords. 3rd row balcony. AWESOME
also... Richie moved out. Way to go Richie. He's no longer confined to "when will you be home? Can you get milk on the way home? I folded and put away your underpants. Why was there a box of condoms left on your bed? Oh they're balloon animals with lube to make it tougher to blow them up? Oh, oh, ok, that makes much more sense."
I'll admit, on the drive through the neighborhood I was initially
scurred. I saw some 2-toned 88 civic with a missing wheel. And by 2-toned I don't mean it was a nice paint job, I mean...you know what I mean. But Rich's (and KKs) building was definitely the nicer building. The only intimidating set of wheels were the massive Harley's. I have this intuition that Rich will one day, on accident, knock them over and run. or pee on them in the middle of the night on inadvertently.The place is nice. KK had it decked out to the fullest when he arrived. His room is and will be stellar. I've fallen in love with his beach-scene-drive comforter and the rest should be baby-making history. I figure, as long as he doesn't try to do it with his roomie home, or during the day time, he and KK should be fine. I guess the same goes for KK...but her room isn't right next to the living room, either. haha...nothing's more uncomfortable than coming out after that and KK going, "so, what were you two up to?" --uh...napping? yeah, napping...at 215pm.
I think they'll get along great! Way to go Richie.
And when anyone has the free time, make sure to ask KK (or me) about her neighbor in the mesh short who pushed his kid off a bike, and what a dirty gas pump is. :)
Ok - no more blog today. It's been too long, but I've got tons of work left to do.
This is an old one but a great one. Thanks to D for reminding me how awesome this clip of Bubb Rubb is (and lil Sis), "it goes woo WOOOO"
Happy Monday
4.02.2008
no time but you can have a dog's butt
Work is keeping me working. Who would've thought, right?
So - today I keep it simple. In the future, I'll try to have more uplifting countdowns, but I couldn't think of my top 5 favorite ice cream toppings, top 10 favorite beers, top 5 polka albums, top 6 1/2 zoo animals and so on, but I'll try.
Today - you get a dog's butt. That's it. There's so much funny about this on all sorts of different levels. No more talking. Enjoy!
4.01.2008
top 5 famous people I can't stand (with an intro)
So much work. So little time to waste blogging about nothing. I figure, I might as well entertain the sad few who choose to read this. Bitching about things isn't very constructive for the mind (well, sometimes). So - I'll do my best to think of a countdown of some sort. A favorite this, a favorite that. A most disliked something or another. It doesn't matter what's counted down, but it'll be counted. I thought about breaking down by top 101 and explaining why each song made it, but who wants to read or know about that, aside from me?
But a fast recap of the past few days.
Wrestlemania was pretty awesome. Some upsets and too much pizza. A good amount of Rock Band (way to go Leo on rockin' out on those drums and thanks to Richie for bringing it). There was an orange/lemon zest 1978 cake, unopened chips with dip, Filipino Street Meat, and the appreciation that Ric Flair was not in HD in all of his sweaty glory. Friday was good with a random trip to Brookfield, some Cock Robin, a hipster band, more rock band, a makeshift mic stand and beer. A winning combination. And now for a countdown:
The Top 5 Famous People I can't Stand
Some of these people may surprise you, while others should not. They're just plain obvious. This list is fluid and can change at any time, but as of April 1, 2008 - here's who sticks out in my mind right now and why.
5. Tyra Banks:
What a self-indulgant waste of TV. She's like Oprah lite. Eh, worse. She's all of the material that Oprah wouldn't use mixed with some Jenny Jones. Some of you know, Oprah isn't too high on my list of people either, but Tyra is the unwanted step host that Oprah would never let herself become. Moreover - Tyra is an ego tramp. I hate to admit that there was a time when I'd watch America's Next Top Model. It's true. Now it's a clusterfuck of blowjob faces and bimbos. It's as if they took the rejects from the Beauties of Beauty and the Geek, let em get rexy for a few weeks and let them audition for ANTM. I won't even put the written thought behind her excuse of a talk show. I've seen better shows on Toon Disney. I'd rather watch vintage Billy Ray Cyrus videos...no. Worse. I'd rather watch the View when Rosie O'Donnel was on than to watch the Tyra Banks show. To show I'm not completely crazy, I'll give you a hint of what makes Tyra so a) crazy b) fuckin' crazy c) unwatchable most of the time d) #5 on the list of most annoying famous people. See, when some nut job celebrity feels self-entitled to help people it bugs me, when they seem to need more help themselves. What's next, the Tyra book club or a record deal? How about a TV show? "Tyra Banks' - The Medium-Sized Give, more dramitic than Oprah's with 1/2 the sponsers and none of the watchability, this fall on the CW"
4. Angelina Jolie
I'm sorry. Brad Pitt chose the wrong woman. She looks like an ape. Or a man with puffy lips and a shiny face. Breasts or not - as my friend Kyle says "you can't motorboat personality." Aside from that, what does she really have going for her? Do you know who she reminds me of? The scary lady from Aqua Teen that Carl hooks up with in the movie. Linda. That's her name. The muscle-bound man lady. Any right-minded guy should choose Jennifer Anniston over Jolie. The woman was married to Billy-Bob Thorton! She had to have a tatoo removed from that marriage. Her dad is John Voight. There's no real recipe for awesome here. Furthermore, Angelina, stop buying babies like they're trading cards. It's like she's collecting international coins. I know many men will tell me I'm wrong on this one and let them. To me she's like bigfoot without as much facial hair. It's also pretty sad when the best movie on your resume is Tomb Raider - after that it was the same repetitive garbage but in different sets. A pity. Soon, instead of adopting a baby or giving money to some 3rd world country's poor kids - you'll be Netflicking Angelina's kids. "Rent one as long as you'd like!" -"ooh, I want to rent the Kenyan baby...naw, too messy, I'll take the Russian one..." Way to go Angelina, you're such an International Baby Hoarder.
(the video below shoes the Linda gal from ATHF that angelina reminds me of)
3. Barry Bonds*
Hey Barry Bonds*, fuck you. Yeah. I don't know why he isn't topping off my list. Sure, there are plenty of people in professional sports who have taken performance enhancing drugs. They've bulked up. They've been punished or they haven't been caught yet. They're no Barry. What a jag bag. No other athlete (except for the majority of the NBA) irritates me as much as this egotistical shit sack. I heard a discussion during a spring training game about "who could bring Bonds on to their team this year." It wasn't a matter of skill, talent, ability or fan draw. Nope. It was "which ball club could accomodate the amount of space Barry takes up." He requires his own wing, basically, in a locker room. There are a insignificant number of clubs who could house this attention whore and cry baby. Not to mention (and this might not be true still) that he has to have his own bus when traveling with the team. He's a greedy, inconsiderate, selfish ass. That's not even nice to compare him to the pack mule of the animal community. At least an ass or pack mule assist in some way. He's only helped tarnish the game. Like I said, may ball players (or athletes in general) take performance enhancing drugs - that's an issue all of it's own - but it's his attitude, the way he treats the game, fans, teammates, media and allegations that land him here. I could bitch a lot more on him, but it tires me out. I dislike Barry Bonds* more than the Yankees. Yeah. I said it. If you're a professional athlete being paid millions of dollars to play a game. Play the game. Be thankful. Take your money and help yourself, your friends, family and those in need. So many people have that "me, me, I want, I want, gimme, gimme" attitude. This deservist mentality that makes me sick. He's the king of sports egos. He makes TO and Ocho Cinco look like amatuers. Yup. Fuck you Barry Bonds.
2. Mary J Blige
I don't have a lengthy explanation to what draws her so high on this list. I can't stand her. Overdramatic has been. I'm not quite up to speed with the most current R&B and I'm ok with that. I'd rather watch Ruben Studdard sing topless in a pool of tapiaca pudding than listen to Mary J drone on about her woes. I'm sure she's connecting with someone, somewhere on some level about something I don't care about. Enough with it. The world is filled with enough depressing shit - I don't need your feeble attempts at uplifting r&b. I read that she is the "queen of hip hop soul." I feel bad for that genre. I'm sure people like her music. I'm not one of them. I'd rather listen to teen pop. She's @ number 2, just because I like baseball as a whole more than I like her genre. So, trying to make bullshit apples for apples out of all of this - she's 2 and Barry is 3. I still hate Barry, but Mary makes me more bat shit crazy.
This leads us to the inevitable #1. Another selection that won't make a lot of sense to some, but this man drives me looney. If I were Catholic, died and went to pergatory he is what I'd be stuck listening to - live. In concert, solo...with Mary J Blige singing backups. (shutters)
1. Michael McDonald <--the end all, be all of awful
That's the list (for now)
Comment away.
Enjoy!
Happy Tuesday!
But a fast recap of the past few days.
Wrestlemania was pretty awesome. Some upsets and too much pizza. A good amount of Rock Band (way to go Leo on rockin' out on those drums and thanks to Richie for bringing it). There was an orange/lemon zest 1978 cake, unopened chips with dip, Filipino Street Meat, and the appreciation that Ric Flair was not in HD in all of his sweaty glory. Friday was good with a random trip to Brookfield, some Cock Robin, a hipster band, more rock band, a makeshift mic stand and beer. A winning combination. And now for a countdown:
The Top 5 Famous People I can't Stand
Some of these people may surprise you, while others should not. They're just plain obvious. This list is fluid and can change at any time, but as of April 1, 2008 - here's who sticks out in my mind right now and why.
5. Tyra Banks:
What a self-indulgant waste of TV. She's like Oprah lite. Eh, worse. She's all of the material that Oprah wouldn't use mixed with some Jenny Jones. Some of you know, Oprah isn't too high on my list of people either, but Tyra is the unwanted step host that Oprah would never let herself become. Moreover - Tyra is an ego tramp. I hate to admit that there was a time when I'd watch America's Next Top Model. It's true. Now it's a clusterfuck of blowjob faces and bimbos. It's as if they took the rejects from the Beauties of Beauty and the Geek, let em get rexy for a few weeks and let them audition for ANTM. I won't even put the written thought behind her excuse of a talk show. I've seen better shows on Toon Disney. I'd rather watch vintage Billy Ray Cyrus videos...no. Worse. I'd rather watch the View when Rosie O'Donnel was on than to watch the Tyra Banks show. To show I'm not completely crazy, I'll give you a hint of what makes Tyra so a) crazy b) fuckin' crazy c) unwatchable most of the time d) #5 on the list of most annoying famous people. See, when some nut job celebrity feels self-entitled to help people it bugs me, when they seem to need more help themselves. What's next, the Tyra book club or a record deal? How about a TV show? "Tyra Banks' - The Medium-Sized Give, more dramitic than Oprah's with 1/2 the sponsers and none of the watchability, this fall on the CW"
4. Angelina Jolie
I'm sorry. Brad Pitt chose the wrong woman. She looks like an ape. Or a man with puffy lips and a shiny face. Breasts or not - as my friend Kyle says "you can't motorboat personality." Aside from that, what does she really have going for her? Do you know who she reminds me of? The scary lady from Aqua Teen that Carl hooks up with in the movie. Linda. That's her name. The muscle-bound man lady. Any right-minded guy should choose Jennifer Anniston over Jolie. The woman was married to Billy-Bob Thorton! She had to have a tatoo removed from that marriage. Her dad is John Voight. There's no real recipe for awesome here. Furthermore, Angelina, stop buying babies like they're trading cards. It's like she's collecting international coins. I know many men will tell me I'm wrong on this one and let them. To me she's like bigfoot without as much facial hair. It's also pretty sad when the best movie on your resume is Tomb Raider - after that it was the same repetitive garbage but in different sets. A pity. Soon, instead of adopting a baby or giving money to some 3rd world country's poor kids - you'll be Netflicking Angelina's kids. "Rent one as long as you'd like!" -"ooh, I want to rent the Kenyan baby...naw, too messy, I'll take the Russian one..." Way to go Angelina, you're such an International Baby Hoarder.
(the video below shoes the Linda gal from ATHF that angelina reminds me of)
3. Barry Bonds*
Hey Barry Bonds*, fuck you. Yeah. I don't know why he isn't topping off my list. Sure, there are plenty of people in professional sports who have taken performance enhancing drugs. They've bulked up. They've been punished or they haven't been caught yet. They're no Barry. What a jag bag. No other athlete (except for the majority of the NBA) irritates me as much as this egotistical shit sack. I heard a discussion during a spring training game about "who could bring Bonds on to their team this year." It wasn't a matter of skill, talent, ability or fan draw. Nope. It was "which ball club could accomodate the amount of space Barry takes up." He requires his own wing, basically, in a locker room. There are a insignificant number of clubs who could house this attention whore and cry baby. Not to mention (and this might not be true still) that he has to have his own bus when traveling with the team. He's a greedy, inconsiderate, selfish ass. That's not even nice to compare him to the pack mule of the animal community. At least an ass or pack mule assist in some way. He's only helped tarnish the game. Like I said, may ball players (or athletes in general) take performance enhancing drugs - that's an issue all of it's own - but it's his attitude, the way he treats the game, fans, teammates, media and allegations that land him here. I could bitch a lot more on him, but it tires me out. I dislike Barry Bonds* more than the Yankees. Yeah. I said it. If you're a professional athlete being paid millions of dollars to play a game. Play the game. Be thankful. Take your money and help yourself, your friends, family and those in need. So many people have that "me, me, I want, I want, gimme, gimme" attitude. This deservist mentality that makes me sick. He's the king of sports egos. He makes TO and Ocho Cinco look like amatuers. Yup. Fuck you Barry Bonds.
2. Mary J Blige
I don't have a lengthy explanation to what draws her so high on this list. I can't stand her. Overdramatic has been. I'm not quite up to speed with the most current R&B and I'm ok with that. I'd rather watch Ruben Studdard sing topless in a pool of tapiaca pudding than listen to Mary J drone on about her woes. I'm sure she's connecting with someone, somewhere on some level about something I don't care about. Enough with it. The world is filled with enough depressing shit - I don't need your feeble attempts at uplifting r&b. I read that she is the "queen of hip hop soul." I feel bad for that genre. I'm sure people like her music. I'm not one of them. I'd rather listen to teen pop. She's @ number 2, just because I like baseball as a whole more than I like her genre. So, trying to make bullshit apples for apples out of all of this - she's 2 and Barry is 3. I still hate Barry, but Mary makes me more bat shit crazy.
This leads us to the inevitable #1. Another selection that won't make a lot of sense to some, but this man drives me looney. If I were Catholic, died and went to pergatory he is what I'd be stuck listening to - live. In concert, solo...with Mary J Blige singing backups. (shutters)
1. Michael McDonald <--the end all, be all of awful
I don't even know where to begin. He, like Barry Bonds, makes me angry just to think about him. So, hey - McDonald - stop making music. Stop making music outside of your aging, old man genre. Mary J is an easy 2 behind him since she stays within her means. This guy, fuck. Next year you'll see him doing duets with Vampire Weekend, Jason Mraz, Hush Sound, and Soulja Boy and maybe Korn. This boring, no talent ass clown needs to stick to his world. Or, better yet, he could just as easily be run over by a dump truck. Full speed. I wouldn't mind. I don't want to see him die. That's cruel. But to see him lose his vocal chords? Priceless. Shit, maybe something worse is required. He'd end up having some #1 with the old folks Sign Language Album. Yamo Be there with his hands. AAAAH!
He needs to share a tent with Clay Aiken and make unnecessary department store, elevator suicide music. Hearing him take classic Motown songs and molest them like the pedophile ice cream man to a park full of children really pisses me off. It's a bit like 40-yr old virgin. "If you make me listen to Yamo be there I'm going to burn this place to the ground." It's terrible. It's like an audible numbing agent. That's how you get Iraqi bad guys to talk up - play that shit nonstop for 30 minutes. He's known as the blue-eyed soul singer. I wish he wasn't. He should be known for his talentless vocal persuasion to post-soccer moms everywhere. Making granny panties wet with confusion. Is it because granny's are excited? Turned on? Or realizing that listening to him on a CD, live or in the car is bringing them that much closer to death? All in all - whether you agree with me or not, I can't stand Michael McDonald. I have a lot of patience for musical artists. I'd rather listen to Michael Bolton sing hip hop or SWV sing broadway or better yet have Lil Boozie sing indie folk rock. Long story short - he's terrible.
That's the list (for now)
Comment away.
Enjoy!
Happy Tuesday!
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