girlscout cookies

if i'm going to have some atrocious blog, i might as well make myself write in it. otherwise...it'll become this blackhole of poorly-thought...thoughts. well, i guess they're still poorly thought but, now, on a daily basis.

i'd like to thank the folks at girl scouts. i believe they understood that americans, as a whole, hate the first few months of the year. no week-long vacations, no presents, no overly fattening meals with family. Instead we're plagued with cold weather, an ass-ton of snow, ice and grumpy people. I read somewhere that we've seen 13% less sun this year than prior years. Someone reading this may go "wtf does that have to do with anything?" Since the sun makes us happier (some trigger it releases in the body), seeing less of it makes us pissier.

anyway - the folks at GS of America thought - what way can we get americans to look forward to the first qtr of the year? i got it. various boxes of cookies. not just any cookies. calorie-induced, "say hello to my newly pumped up fat ass and stomach," sugar-filled cookies. they're f*n delicious, there's no doubt. But hell, while many of us try to lose weight we gain from the dreary winter months, the wonder dikes of GSA keep us heavy, k eep us large because, "they're only $4 a box and you're helping the children." fuck the children and their deliciousness...jerks.

am i bitter? no. i'm full of caramel, coconut, peanut butter, mint and chocolate. there should be a GS cookie of the month club. that way i can stay pleasantly plump all year long. instead, i'm going to pack those crack-like calorie cookies down like i'm fasting for the next 2 weeks.

did you ever notice that if you let a box of GS cookies go bad you get pissed? i know i do. because you know you won't get a chance to chow down on somoas (carmel de lights) for another year. that is, if you know someone selling them. bastards and their calorie crack.

i think the GSA group should create a new way for us to buy cookies. instead of pledging 4 dollars a box for these 150 calories per 2 cookies snacks - i want GSA to allow GS's to sell door-to-door again. yeah. then, i want a fat girl scout to come to my door. some 4 ft, 150lb chubfest - for 2 reasons. 1 - i trust a fat kid who tells me which cookies to buy ("all of them"). 2 - i want there to be a system for barter. "sweetie, i'll buy 5 boxes of your chubbifying cookies (slut) if you do 10 jumping jacks for each box. no. wait. if you let my dog chase you around the block. each box = 1 minute of you running for dear life. if he catches you, i get my cookies for free"

that way - they girl looses weight, i get a great recommendation on which cookies are good this year, the pesky gs's get their bling. i think it's a win-win.

this just popped in my head - why are the girls on the box a. outside/playing b. so happy.

i know that if i just ate a sleeve of thin mints and tried to go outside, i'd have a sugar crash and nap on a park bench. that or my stomach would be in so much pain i'd kick a baby. they should be more realistic. show a picture of their brother stealing the cookies while she cries OR show them doing realistic things - like snarfing a box of peanut butter patties while they play the Wii and get fatter. "come on julie, let's pork down some of these cookies and go for a run." stupid.

anyway. i forget what my point was.

oh yeah

thanks girl scounts of america.

thanks for making me lose all the progress i was making on working out

thanks for helping me obtain diabetes that much faster. seriously, i appreciate it.

and if you take away the carmel de lights, i'll sit on the corner by a school dressed as a crossing guard. and as the kids come by - one-by-one i'll push them (the girls only, because it's not the guys selling cookies, they sell terrible, stale, overpriced popcorn...stupid boy scouts) into oncoming traffic. people will only be upset if they see GS cookies hit the ground. so please, keep those cookies coming - my weight increase depends upon it.